Take a cup of kindness, please, when toasting New Year

We're rapidly approaching the high holy days of toasting season, what with New Year's Eve just three days away.

If you're the one making the toast — the toaster, as it were — the pressure can be enormous.

You want to say something pithy and wise and heartfelt and genuine. You do. But there's a room full of people looking at you, waiting for your official party statement. You've assumed responsibility for putting a period on the end of their 2011 and starting the new paragraph for 2012. You probably have Champagne or some other adult beverage in your hand. It may be the latest in a series of beverages you've enjoyed that evening. Dick Clark keeps buzz-killing the room with every appearance.

The odds are not in your favor.

Patricia Rossi, author of the book "Everyday Etiquette; How to Navigate 101 Common and Uncommon Social Situations" (St. Martin's Griffin, $14.99) says there are some common-sense guidelines to follow.

The host should always be the first to offer a toast. In other words, if it isn't your house, zip your lip. Nobody wants to hear from the guy or gal who didn't buy the booze.

If you're giving a toast, prepare your words ahead of time. Despite what that glass of bubbly is whispering in your ear, you are not Winston Churchill. Even he wrote stuff down before he said it. Follow his lead and do the same.

Keep it short and be clear when you're finished. Sermons are for Sunday. This is New Year's Eve. Time is the theme. Be brief and then, when it's time, put a bow on it. Acceptable: Simply saying, "Cheers!" Not acceptable: "Peace out, homies!"

Be sincere. As frivolous and frothy as New Year's can be, now is not the time to launch the bon mot, "Look out teeth, look out gums, look out stomach, here it comes." Save your cleverness for Twitter and Facebook.
If the group is large, it is not mandatory to clink glasses when a toast is made. Just raise your glass and take a sip. Clinking sounds like a great idea until about the 473rd clink. By then, the cat has scurried under the bed to suck its paw thinking that every piece of glass in the world is about to rain down upon its fur.

Do not guzzle your drink. Who are you, Charlie Sheen?

In a small group, always look the other people in the eyes when you gently clink their glass and say, "Cheers." This is important. Now is not the time to determine at close range whether that batch of plunging New Year's cleavage was made by God or the very fine body sculptors at the nearby plastic surgery clinic.

Alcohol is not necessary to perform a toast. Sparkling fruit juice, punch or even soda may be used. Simplicity in drink is a virtue here. Hoisting a mini-keg of banana schnapps and Red Bull is bad form. Put the beer funnel away and switch to Juicy Juice for a few moments.

When toasting someone, be yourself and talk as you normally would. Sure, you do an amazing impression of Christopher Walken. But it's a little creepy. And no one wants you to ask that 2012 have "more cowbell."

Try to look around the room at everyone and speak loudly enough for everyone to hear. If there's a microphone, don't be shy. Use the tools at hand. Avoid the impulse to go all Chris Rock on the mike, but remember that it's important for your words to be heard. Unless you're going to imitate Chris Rock imitating Christopher Walken. Then you need to be stopped.

jhouck@tampatrib.com(813) 259-7324